Doughnuts

I realized I went quiet when it came to reporting on the tribulative races of the season, which isn't fair. I was hoping to find something calculable that I could divulge, even if it was a "what not to do." Truthfully, I was just afraid to write this because it means that it's my truth, and if I could hold out from writing it, maybe it would hold out from consuming me.

Yesterday I finished the Top Pot Doughnut Dash 5k, a last minute add on, but something Ber and I were playing with, thinking it might be the thing that could build my confidence before Eugene. This came after a string of sub-par performances, beginning with the St. Pats 5k in Vancouver BC in March, then the Sun Run 10k. I'd falter, rebuild mentally, give everything to hit mediocre pacing, pacing which was slower than I held in 3xworkoutsxweek a month or two prior, and then race again, a cyclical cycle of suck.

I was pr'ing in my workouts, able to hold a heavy workout load along with 2x strength training sessions a week, and I kept my overall mileage lower than I'd run for a year so I wouldn't burn out on all ends. If I look at it closely there were too many new additions to the training: 1) Increased workouts x weekly 2) Increased speed 3) Addition of strength training 4) More consistent LR's which I always think should be included as a w/o in the week despite the pace, and which I didn't include as a hard effort in my own 5) New job 6) Life changes 7) A prior year of PR's and minimal downtime 8) Some things I would have left out - sick for almost 2 mo's, and a nagging pubic injury since September. Still, another season, another year, all of these things could equate to something entirely different, it's just this particular equation with its set of factors that landed me here.

It's tangible but it's also intangible, momentary and end-of-the-world-angst, incidental, occasional, an incalculable experiment of the mind, body, age, ability, and it's so sad. Because despite how many people will remind you about rest and ability determinate upon who's rested the best, and less is more, and recovery, and you believe it, you also still believe that the harder you work the more of a chance you earn; not that everything is as delicate as navigating a web.

I set aside a string of races that I wanted to experience this spring, feeling as if they were greatly placed to absorb workouts and create forced down weeks. I thought that by competing I would only be enhancing or further developing upon the larger picture - an OTQ at Eugene. Such was not the case. And I've found that as soon as my foot steps across the mat of each, I'm overwhelmed with the need to back out from my A goal. I've slept on it, and I feel the same. Over such a lovely breakfast of Dave's Killer Bread, toasted, with goat cheese, sliced cherry tomatoes, a salted sunny egg, sliced fruit and dark roast coffee I admit that though I want to give up, there's a sadistic, remarkably optimistic and passionate part of me that still believes. Even though we've concluded that I'm a foot in to deep in the muck of overtraining, and that I don't need another race to prove it, a part of me still wants to believe that anything is possible. And yet, the realistic and soul-nourishing side of me is aware that to just give in to the circumstance, to accept, to let go and just be is the most healthy thing I can do for myself right now. It's the biggest goal I've made for myself in this life thus far, and I have to pause. and I'm not ok with that right now, and I'm not sure when I will be. I'm not sure how long it will take to heal, recover, understand; I hope it's shorter than I think.

To recap, because they deserve to be:

The Sun Run 10k is incredible. Ber thinks it's a good race to run for experience the first time, and to really nail the second (if I could speak for her), and I agree. With her knowledge, having run it the year prior, I knew where I might falter and where I would be afforded the "rewards" of the course. Based on my training, I figured I could break 35 minutes. I ran mid 36's and crossed the line with an attitude. I won't apologize to myself for the anger; it's manifest hunger. My arms, shoulders, and legs held acid like a sweltering plug-in blanket. I've found that post these hard efforts, my cool-downs and extended mileage are much easier than they used to be. I can go for miles after a "fast effort" race, but the during, the "fast effort" is where my legs haven't been able to turn over. I took 17th woman and 130/39,000, something to be proud of despite where I think I should be performing, and to which I hope I can come around to feeling proud of one day. The winning time was mid-32's, with a flown in Rispar Gesabwa, seconds in front of Canada's golden girl, Natasha Wodak. Maurice organized Ber and I's accommodations, which was at the foot of the start line. There was an athletes lounge with great food & coffee, the weather was perfect; we were escorted to a post race jam session with babes in sequin pants singing covers, sipping coffee and teas with pastries among the elites. Back at the hotel there was a catered brunch with delicious vats of meats, eggs, pastas, fruit, smoothies, an ice cream bar. Ber & I sat with a portion of female field, all of whom were vivacious & admirable, with voracious appetites and beautiful faces. The kind of women you're immediately impressed by and not skeptical of.

The Top Pot Doughnut 5k was a must because it's a race regarding doughnuts. What was not awesome was paying $45 dollars for a 5k. But, I thought I had a chance to win the pot, so I invested. What's almost impossible about races with prize purses is an easy or inconspicuous win. I felt like if it came down to it, I would turn it on to really fight for that $, but when I was actually in it, I gave up at mile 1. "Giving up" is a bit much; I gave it all I had, I just didn't have a tank to take more from. The winner put a surge in (which is probably more likely that she just maintained haha), and I dropped down 20 seconds per mile. There she went, and another one, and I felt like shit on a doughnut, and my buds and Red were waiting there, and they knew, and I said, "I can't do Eugene," and then we all pretended like that never happened, as I ate all of our doughnuts by myself, along with two coffees.