Teeth.

I've been trying to really enjoy this freedom, but then it's like: don't I owe money? I'm trying to shush the thought. I've never felt a need for money, and I've thus far done a good job at maintaining that natural disillusion. I mean, it might be extremely naive to handle finances like I do: I don't balance checkbooks, don't know how much money is in the bank before I buy, go to value village several times a month and buy wardrobes at a time, have bought several, several plane tickets in the last few years, and then every once in a while, when I have "feelings," I check the statements, consider, and circle back through the spending. I have a lot of bills: school debt, cell, car payment, car insurance, living. And somehow I balance all of it without anally balancing all of it. There's some magic to this. But then there's a negative side-effect: I take on the financial stress of all the people I care about. Can my father manage? Can my boyfriend? Can his family?
There are also ways I save money where I shouldn't: dental. For the last year I've had wisdom tooth pain that has kept me up shaking all night, had cold peas and hot soaked cloths against my cheek, pieces of my tooth chipped off, now I have to consciously remind myself not to chew with a certain tooth. It's completely, and I mean Completely stupid. But money here is just a small fraction of why I don't fix my mouth. I don't really mind paying for health, it's just that I consider dentists like mechanics like doctors. I try not to need any of them. This is much to the dismay of my family and boyfriend, and boyfriends family, and friends, and Jesus, I am really affecting so many people by being pig-headed about this. But I just can't give in. I will, I definitely will in my own time, but I haven't because I have these things that really backpedal instead of propel me. The closest I've come to fixing this problem is thinking about what I'd do for my children if they had this kind of pain. The truth is, I'm not ready to act on this projection of guilt. It's kind of masochistic that I put myself through this. I've wondered what my breaking point will be.
So for right now I am going to do small projects. Make packages. Create a writer's space. Submit work. Try to be a good daughter, friend, girlfriend. Learn how to cook. Enjoy the freedom. Enjoy the freedom!