finger from relationships past

I asked my grandmother for the diamond (recieved from my late grandfather) to place on the finger which holds my mother&father's wedding rings. She disregarded the question, because it's weird probably. I like objects that hold stories, and I like that I have this finger which holds failed attempts at love. I am a daughter of thrift - failed attempts at keeping.
The dogs, two long-hair nugget dogs, were flailing around, peeing in excitement in little streaks on anything light-colored. My grandmother was the highlight of my emotional range of the day, because I could tell she was secure in the moment, okay with having to downsize everything in her home in order to survive. I liked that when she said she had to give up getting a perm in order to pay a bill, and I offered paying for a perm as a gift, that she took it easily, excitedly, without all that well-I-don't-know roundabout timidness bs. She doesn't want any one else's depression to bring her down. I like that about a woman, able to know that another's depression does not have to be her own.

My father picked me up at the bus drop-off, and we snacked on corn cakes & beets & acai juice on the way to Best Chopsticks for some cheap chinese. The dinner talk was more like a pyschiatrist appointment than it was a what-have-you-been-up-to, but that's the role I fall into. Because of what we spoke about, I was almost too full in hard things to deal with. I came to Ferndale to stay with my mother, who I knew would have a room where I could not think in. I almost had a panic attack in the kitchen, trapped between these hard things & the roses & baby's breath & gigantic snowman cupcakes my mother had set out for my arrival. On one hand I have all these people in my life going through such hard things that I can't even begin to know how to deal with my own problems, and people who are secure and live moment to moment that I don't have to worry about, but for some reason it all feels the same.

Today is trista's birthday. I was flown here as a surprise gift to her, but because she snooped through her boyfriend's things, I am no longer a surprise. I'm kind of mad about it.
I think, to think of things that make me happy right now, to move from the hard to happy, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed watching House Hunters International last night & that I always imagine that it's me, that I would love to go get a tattoo right this minute, that I can't wait to go shopping with my mother & after the holidays with laurey to thrift stores across colorado, that I have applied to a job in new york,that I have a manuscript to edit.