Thursday, the 10th

Today I cleaned to remove myself from my head. I developed a reading nook, a book holder, moved appliances around, built stuff, cleaned the salt that escaped from the salt lamp, found homes for the homeless, you know. It was a pretty trying morning, as order after order came in at my catering job, and I just had to handle it. But once it was over, I felt like I did a good job at living in my cleaning moment, and not in the stress that accompanies the job/s. I cleaned for hours, and mostly thought about how it is that myself, with 3 jobs, a newly joined basketball league, and too many emotions, would come to find time enough to clean and build, and how come I'm not witness to this ability in men. I want to know why I was I made to withstand all of the things I balance in one day. It's my lifelong lesson to learn, on Fairness. On, Balance. My mother hints at the possibility that I have high-functioning attention deficit disorder. When I hear "high functioning," I hear "alcohol." I'm tired of being the person who can handle a large load, or be the hard worker, or be the person who has to hear, "You are the creator of your own destiny," as if all of this that I've accumulated to act as Living, is of my own accord. Yes, I somehow along the way said Yes to all of these things, and it was my choice to say Yes. But isn't it that you say Yes to everything until you know where you want to go, and then, finally, you can say No, because you know it's okay to?

I keep seeing that no one else will care about this as much as myself. That no one minds the underwear on the floor, that I have to do laundry at the high school at the same time as I coach basketball, that I have to suck up working in the service industry, that I want to talk about large things like Marriage and Babies, that all I want is to travel the world and try every wine, and meet my girlfriends every once in a location. I have to remind myself that I can say No, and that I myself am good enough company to develop my ideas on travel, marriage, babies, friends, balancing time and work and love and space and the self through acts of cleaning. Tomorrow will be harder than today, so to save myself the grief of feeling overwhelmed, lonely, and let down, I will wake up early, arrive early with a mug of tea, and I will suck it up and do my job and think about what I want from all of these topics, and then I'll find a way to achieve a result, alone.