On, various forms of commitment

I fall asleep to TLC & youtube tutorials. I took a job to be safe, and now I think I'll choose temporary recklessness. I prefer the camaraderie in family discussions of depression, as opposed to the masculine view of no medicineisneeded-trainyoself. Was refreshing when he said - train yourself - and I was - What happens when you wake up in the morning & all you can think of is - and he was - Now that is hard. Validation!

I bumped into not one but two ex boyfriends the other day. I cannot help but think that it was of the destiny variety. It was awful & eye opening & seems that each person I've left or left me is stuck entirely. The only thing to take away from living in the city from which you were born - that these people may never leave, but at least they are a physical representation of my good fortune; that they're not a part of my life anymore. I guess this stands to reason that good choices were made along the way, whether for me or because of me.

I was sitting in the vacant office of my new job, it was raining, I had a tin can tuna salad for lunch gifted to me by middle-mother before my departure from Colorado - a thing I wanted to hold onto - canned tuna - to feel her closeness, but then I was like, It's fuckin' tuna, might as well, and God do I hope it offers me bad breath so that the little nugget of a CEO backs off my a$$ for a bit. You might figure I don't enjoy the job much. At first it was glamorous. I was a model at a bridal expo, I got to be the closest I've ever been to the fashion industry, professionally, and then all of a sudden I had to deal with emotional abuse. On the bright side, I appreciate that it's happening this quickly; that I can sense what the future will be like, and that I'm strong enough to pull out because the commitment isn't necessary yet. I spoke to a couple people about the dilemma, and they either thought I should stick it out & earn the $, or I should according to my father, punch her. This is what I think - I've spent a great deal of time caring about people who can't afford me the same luxury, and I've worked 3 jobs for over a year now. I'm going to live, only, in circumstances which make me feel powerful. I was able to be a model for a day - check. Now on to the next thing.

The other night I had a salad, bread, wine, and chili fries with my cousin. She is about to celebrate her 3-year anniversary with her awesome chef of a boyfriend. They gifted each other a vintage Griffey's jersey & a trip to the San Juan Island/s to celebrate their commitment. She thinks he's an awful gifter, but, personally, I'd wear the hell out of that jersey with no pants, and when I think of camping on the water, roasting weens & spears of zucchini, and falling asleep next to the door of the tent to protect my man, I get all gooey in lust over the existence of gifting and receiving.