Naturally, I felt like I had some making up to do. Now I wonder if others feel this way. Maybe it's about varying levels of narcism, but if I make a mistake (based on my perception of "mistake"), I usually don't feel better about it until I've done something to make up for the unsettled feeling. The steps I took were to, 1. Make fun of myself, i.e. I made handmade cards depicting sketches of me laying outside of a limo, one of a bridesmaid pushing my head out of the subaru to try to get my red upchuck outside of the car, as thank you's to the girls. Step 2. Fresh flowers to the mother of the bride for driving the getaway vomit mobile. Step 3. Be at the beck and call of the bride; anything from underwear shopping to keeping my vag at a constant opposing angle to that of the bride's so as not to lure hers to fruition (unfortunately, unsuccessful). I've never thought about that before, but if you've got a MOH who is always around to help you with the wedding, and the two of your P's sync, it's awful if you've got the village syndrome lured to come at the inopportune time of wedding night. And lastly, Step 4. Be a pillar of strength to a chaotic room of 8 females, 2 awful hair stylists who were encouraged to leave...2 crying babies, and mostly mothers without their children for the first time in a long while.
The day before, in Birch Bay, the two families met in a rental house over BBQ, nectarines, kale salad & coffees. Everyone seemed happy, so I sat myself on a wicker chair with a glimpse of the bay & the heat on my legs. I read a bit from Edmund White's, The Farewell Symphony (I read him in college & always love a gay author). It turns out, there's a lot of connectivity. As a multi-layered family we walked down to the beach where the tide was out, red jellyfish orbs dried dead on the sand and the softest eerie seagrass tickling between our toes. This day was my opportunity to get to know the Chervenock's a bit, the best people I've met lately. Both adopted, both fountains of genuine & intelligent energy, and absolutely beautiful. For some reason it was these two members of my friend's wedding congregation that I felt drawn to. It was A, who took care of the disheveled mess known as me on August 24, who I kept yelling in what my mother called a very weird, sexy demi moore voice, "Stop mothering me!" It was her that turned my plans into different plans that benefited the bride's needs & cleaned & was just an effortless, gorgeous fountain of female prowess, seriously. Her brother, with the 5 degrees and world travels full of teaching english in different countries, a lover of Boulder, and an understander of loneliness was also a gush of a rush. The kind of person who, when craving something himself, will offer to make everyone else the thing & serve it to them before actually enjoying it himself. The kind of person who asks how much cream & sugar you need (instead of just rationing perceived portions - a step more). I don't know, there's something so incredibly soothing about having coffee made for you. It's a luxury I've hardly been afforded until I moved back home. He, also felt the soul in my speech & offered contacts for getting the hell out of the states. I am drawn to the family.
The day of, 10am, at a venue I'd never seen but which is lush, the lot of us got ready. I have to admit that I've never seen such needy women. I felt like a true gentleman trying to "herd cats" in heat. These women didn't know how to do their makeup, what makeup compliments what color schemes, how to curl hair, how to match nail polishes to their dresses... I'm not bitching per say, just extremely confused where all the confusion on femininity came from? As I write I'm remembering that most of these women are mothers, and perhaps you lose a sense of it in the daily grind that is self-sacrifice. Now, I feel like an asshole. Still. I felt helpful; applying makeup to my friend who felt & looked like a VC model, offering diamonds for someones fingernails, curling another's, teasing another's, and at the same time getting champagne for everyone, remembering to eat, and getting myself ready. I wish there was more time to those hours, where we could get ready more slowly, enjoy each other more slowly, choose colors more slowly, love more slowly. Time moves too quickly, especially when you're happy. The sad is what feels like forever.
Now my bride is an image-focused model, so we were in photos for hours. It was this amount of time taking pictures that likely added to the early departures, but we had a full evening despite, with all the little accoutrements of a traditional Christian wedding. Mishaps: one bridesmaid pulling a high heeled snafu full of sad baby deer leg movements and painful ankle bends before her lineup, and when the pastor said, "Put it in all the way," and I smirked because who says "in" when addressing placing the ring on the finger. That's about it. I made a speech with a heart pounding, never cried, my sticky bra never fell off my ever-growing chest, my period never made a statement, and I made everyone laugh with a story of a mulleted me, and the fact that I brought a black anatomically correct baby for the groom to pull out of the bride's dress when searching for the garter. I danced with babies, made some cry, ate some almond flavored cake, spoke with the Chervenock's, and so ended my great friends, T & J's wedding, all too quickly, as things go.
The bride & groom had a suite at the local casino & though they promised not to see any of us there, it turned out they wanted more of us. We waltzed around as I watched them gamble, the groom a kindly sugar daddy handing everyone cash to play for luck of love. Two bridesmaids won a $100/pc. in their first move, but no one can ever stop once they taste success...except for me...I can. I think.
It's a different experience being in the wedding party, but also to be a right hand woman. It's kind of soothing actually. Because of who I am, it was easy to be useful, a balance, humorous, delicate. I like to give. I give before I take. Maybe that's why I so thoroughly enjoy the act of giving coffee, of getting it, it's a small enough offer I can manage to take & it makes me feel taken care of, truly. It's easy to be overwhelmed, to feel anxious, to be consumed in the things that go wrong, but for me, it was smooth, the bride as calm as she could be, and it was relaxing to just be who I needed to be for the day. I'll tell you, I love these two people very much, for being there for me when I was in so much pain, for taking me on adventures over the summer, for finding me races with cool prizes to win, for being my biggest fans. I feel how much they want me to be in their life, and I know they can feel how much I want them in mine. I'll tell you I was a pillar, I am a pillar, and it wasn't until I left that casino, imagining them in each others arms, committed by choice, that I finally could cry about what it means to have been given up on, when we could have had a wedding full of guests who would have never left for fear of missing a minute of us.
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