[ny]

B, 1/2 marathon (1:43)

Over beers celebrating the birth of S. Morrison on the 30th I schemed sneaking into a race on nye, to run beside A & her pup, B. Met them on the trail & ran a half marathon at a dog's perfected trot (7:30 pace), allowing time for waterfall sips, tunnel inspections & much smacktalk about trying to beat the lead dog (from BC eh!). It was supposed to be about the dog & "Oh this is nice we don't have to worry about competing." But as soon as someone pushed the pace, or tried to keep up, we pulled B's little nugget legs faster along. Competitive assholes that we are. B recieved her medal & we hopped in the Westfalia, dutifully knighted Van Morrison, sippin' cheesy tomato soup, covered in mud. (Sidenote: Post race B was given a shower complete in Nexxus shampoo-job and was fried up egg whites...)
Afterwards I met with Will&Celina to look over wedding dress options.

Afterafterwards, K & I had to work, serving champagne flights & salty potato chips. It's funny, the bar people like to introduce us as, "This is K, the pole vaulter" or, "This is K, the cheese girl." "This is Courtney, the runner," or, "This is Courtney, the one that looks like Sarah Jessica Parker." It's like a mini-support group, a mini-fan club, mini-identifiers. Will&Celina came in for bubbles & beer, looking like the best people I know, altogether beautiful, hilarious, and in love. The groups disembarked with minutes to midnight so boss-woman, K, her man, & I went to the oyster bar to grab shooters to welcome in the new year. Shooters turned to shots & we walked about town munching a toasted cheese sandwich, sipping cocktails, got a high-five from the owner of the pub for ordering Abyss. I had a really nice new years. I didn't have any expectations, no hunger to fill a hole, I was just around really good people & had a simple time. A couple ny's back I had rather large expectations & found myself greatly disappointed that my partner was heavily intrigued in some swedish bimbo's backstory, smoking cigars with a womanizer & cutting his head open in a wrestling match to make me feel appreciated or to make my lips feel a warmth in that cliche moment of exhilaration. But really, how large of an expectation was that? Doesn't sound too needy to me.
The next morning I felt genuinely content, for the first time in a while, better organized in the madness of that which ailed me (as documented previously). I had a late morning to myself, sipped chai, was at ease. I joined A & her other nugget, Mags, for a 9-miler. After we finished S. Morrison had mimosas waiting for us; we walked around their beautiful property, admiring the shed he built to store their mowers, the garden label stickers he formed into, "I luv ween," at her potting station. I thought to myself, "This is something I'd like to have."

I think that I am a fuller me & more inspired because of A & S. Morrison. She saw what I looked like when I moved back from Boulder contrasted to how I appear today & confesses a vitality in me I couldn't have seen. She moves me to want to make big goals happen, even if, simply, because I get to run beside her. If I'm feeling down, she's there, she's got the runs mapped out, the races planned, the booze waiting. She's got her husband with drop bags at Kulshan with the first pitcher ordered, simply because she understands how well we work with incentives. We've gone on roadtrips to Oregon, changed pants in the backseat of cars, she's boiled me hot apple cider to help me fall asleep easier. I love them. Through intensive talks on our runs, I have healed immensely. I, actually, have come to understand why I run.

After mimosas, a friend needed to talk about a tumultuous relationship; she falls victim to the societal or personal pressure of marriage, family, career that most women our age experience. Being a twin, whose twin has all of these life markers, she likely feels even more pressure. It's tough, because I understand full well how these markers affect people & how hard it is to relax & let everything fall into place; to try not to act out in desperation. Thankfully for myself, I don't feel such pressure. I relate in the way that I don't want to "wake up one day" and suddenly find myself too far from options; though, if you're strong, you can obtain whatever markers you want at any point in your entire life. There are ideal times I'm sure, but you write your own rules. My greatest fear is not in not obtaining, but in being a part of a totally wrong decision. I'm sure she was a little irritated with me when I told her it won't happen if she's desperate for it; for in this desperation, she will attract the wrong people, but I'd like to think it's sound advice. Isn't it always when someone writes off something that it falls into their lap? Perhaps. We munched popcorn & watched comedies to forget tragedies. Then, a group of us went to see Anchorman 2. I feel very lucky to have the friends I do. They don't make me feel alone - you know how lonely I've felt in my past? We're all a bunch of mid-twenty-year-olds trying to understand ourselves a little bit better with the help of each other - we choose each other every day. There's no writing any one out.