Slap

I got a necessary lecture post last hard workout. Needed. It was a nice little slap in the face. I'm competitive, with myself. I want to punish my body, feel pain, feel humbled. I definitely do not treat this body like a lover. I hardly shower it. I rarely give it a salt bath, I rare-to-never give it a massage. I like to make it work for 15 hours a day, then fill it with wine instead of water. Then I buy ho-ho's at JJ's market...most nights. I don't want to do corework because I don't want to secondguess buying ho-ho's from JJ's.

This is week (2) of tapering. A good friend suggested I be selfish with my training, with myself. I haven't been too excited leading up to the race. I keep wondering when or if it'll hit me, the bigness of it all. In speaking with Duff, I found myself saying, "If I don't get my hopes up too high, then I won't have to face the downs." Which he confirmed with, "You just want to be as even-keeled as possible, no great thrill, no great loss." Yes. "I propose you stop trying to be anything. And just be." It feels like I am just being, I am just waiting, I am just ready, I am just prepared for ups or downs, where is all of it? I'm not sure where I'm giving the impression that I'm trying to be anything other than myself. I tend to think it's that I talk circles around feelings & put so much thought into everything, that a person's only suggestion is to be like - stop trying so hard. I think a better suggestion would be, "Stop thinking so much." Which I would love to do.

Instead of playing tennis in the warmth of a spring evening, drinking margaritas with friends, thrifting, staying up all night watching Dexter or giving in to watching Game of Thrones, I've tried to be unfittingly selfish in just going home, laying down with my lover, snacking. Last night she cut me strawberries & muenster on crackers and placed them on my palm. I read a biography on the loves of Marilyn Monroe on the cushioned deck chair with my feet up as the sun set.We got around to talking about Darren Criss & how he was a "cheesedick" back in college. I had this really beautiful, sweet person laying in bed with me & she thinks the gay heartthrob of glee is a cheesedick. I'm in love with what sweet people find displeasing.

Runner's hematuria (hopefully) is all up in my area. It's a guessing game - why it is that I've developed bloody noses, 2x periods a month, and blood in my urine post runs. I'm fascinated; thoughts revolving around, Cool! A bloody nose, I like the way it looks on my running shirt or, This body wants a baby! or, Am I overtraining? or, worse, Am I sick-sick? In one way it could be a non-symptomatic kidney or bladder issue which I find unlikely (based on intuition alone), the other, bruising of the bladder walls from marathon training. It's just weird to me that my body wouldn't take to the training as well as it did in college (and I know this may sound naive), but it felt like I worked harder and more often in college that I do now. The major difference being in length of hard exertion, but the miles are the same, and I have longer recovery between. I spoke about this with Noble, who wanted to remind me that this year has been a tough one on me, and that stress alone can alter your body, creating within a whole new system to work with. I feel this.
Something online suggests keeping urine in your bladder as you run, so that there's lubrication evading wall irritation, but like Ber said, "Yeah let me just pee a little, cut it off midstream, hold it in, cause that feels so good." In the end, I'm going to wait till after the marathon, and if the problem still persists, I'll figure my shit out.

Tonight is the Mariner's home opener, and Ber, co. and I will take a party bus filled in kegs & sacked lunches sponsored by Boundary Bay Brewery. It'll be my last boozey-huzzah before [trying] to hunker down to soberville prior to the marathon. Here's a prayer to Buddha for no bloody pee, proper hydration, a home win, and a heart so full I can forget to overthink.