Less and less

From the preview of Lauren Fleshman and Roisin McGettigan-Dumas' upcoming training journal, Believe., the intro offers the advice, "...our best races and experiences happen when our mind and body are working together and we are making the time every day to give ourselves credit for our efforts."

Today was hard. Hard enough that I was breaking 6:40's on an easy run. Hard in that I ran to my car, to the flat front tire & wrenched the bolts and attached the spare & watched as the weight of the car slowly fell to the earth, revealing that the spare itself was flat. Got me good. A flat spare can suck it. And it sucked it up as I drove to a shop chosen based on the man's voice - soft, nice, answering my slow paced-post-cry ignorant questions. I drove slow. Cursed tailgaters. Thought with sadism, "Let the spare pop! I can take more trouble! Let the tailgater hit me! I want more!" From the tire store I ran my heated lope, growing more and more bothered, trying to digest my distaste. I'm on the other side of training - I made it. We made it. And I'm trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself because in order to have accomplished it, I sacrificed being 100% of myself somewhere else. You make these sacrifices & it's not for for-sure's, it's for an opportunity to do a hard thing good. For months, I've worked for the opportunity to have a strong race and despite all the work, I am ok with whatever happens. My cousin said, "I don't want you to be let down if it doesn't go the way you planned. I just want you to know that if it doesn't work out, it's ok, and you can cry." This surprised me. I thought she only knew me as a weeper over men, not a weeper over more seriously independent challenges. However she sees me, all that matters is that I am proud of me, and that this is established now, and not at, during, or post race. I am proud of the work I put in. So, in this I am happy. What I can't be happy about is being held to a standard of self that depicts this optimism in all aspects of my identity.

In my community, those I care most about where apt to ask, "What do you need from me?" Or, "How can I help?" when it came to training. I'd pause. I'd think, "Even if I tell them, I feel like I'll be let down." So this has to be about me. I have to do what's best for me, because even if it's nice of them to ask and offer - I'm the only one that knows what's best for me. Still, this is partial-hindsight. I got a little wrapped in the love-blanket of a caring community. I got my complimentary adjustments & dinners & I warned, "I might not be myself all the time. I'm going to be tired. I might just need you to listen. It would be nice to do nothing, or get a massage. I might be cranky." I felt like if I put the warning out there, I'd be safe from trouble. Sucked in by the love-blanket! Work was the sacrifice. Friendships set aside. My friend's will always be there. But work won't.

My eyes are very tired in the weight of sad that comes when you can't be good at everything. Look again at Fleshman and McGettigan-Dumas' quote, "...our best races and experiences happen when our mind and body are working together and we are making the time every day to give ourselves credit for our efforts." It's a journey for the Self, one I thought might hold communal, but which can't. Not unless you experience it yourself. It's that same lesson, over and again. We can't be hard on those who are going through something we haven't experienced and, you have to give yourself credit.