as of

We're sprawled on the king bed, mostly I am sprawled, with aching calves where the bruises spoiled to the surface post race. Over glasses of merlot we help T pack for Hawaii in grunts of affirmation. We admire the trophy, put on shoes & go for a walk beneath the trees. Autumn is slow to start here, the leaves are slow to burn & the heat is stuck; everyone is sighing about it's imminent dissipation. Though I caught the bouquet we all agree D is next. She has such a desire to do all the picket fence things.

Off on their honeymoon the couple parasail, zipline, scubadive, winecruise, let geckos lick the maraschino cherries from their mai tai's. T was angry with Oprah for some mansion and road privileges which cut out a direct route from condo to winery, and for contracting a painful something & needing to use the hawaiian healthcare system. Now the couple is on a diet regime strict as secrets. Not a moment to waste in the loveymaramaladegoo of comfortability that is married life. I feel like I need to take them to eat cheeseburgers, enjoy the reverie that is ease and no more choices, for just a little bit longer. Good thing she doesn't believe in strict, able to drink white wine & munch on pretzels with me as we watch the news.

I have just run a workout reserved for college Courtney circa 2009 - Cleator. He says, "Listen to that: the sound of chatter, everyone full of energy and buzzing." I missed it. Maybe that's where the great loss started; when every day was filled with a buzz & team & noise & competition, and then all of sudden, the soundtrack of years dissipated into something like complaining; real life. How grateful am I for being able to recreate a new sense of this, a new team, full of powerful women. Let the buzz commence!

I'm sitting on a bench, the wind carries a colder note, as I wave buses past with a flamboyant flippancy similar to Edmund White, which I relish, nose in book, whisper reading. I'm waiting to be judged in a job interview, something necessary for a normal adult. Something to pay for all the little adventures.