Big D

I fell asleep to a Tedtalk the other night; something about what experiences or habits reveal about our ability to be happy, ultimately, which she alluded to the archaic & ever constant question: how to stay happy in a partnership. Something about how if most of your childhood photos captivate you smiling as opposed to other cameraflash reactions, you were more likely to be happy & stay happy in your relationships. Then, alluding to the dated forms of film, how each picture was a development cost, at a time when you didn't filter through 1-- exposures to find the perfect capture; she proposed that back then we were told to smile in order not to ruin the photo. And today - we take the 1--, delete the mistake to maintain the gem. Photographs of the child-me are serious. Each one shows a child with deep set eyes, a straight line of a mouth. I used to spit on my grandma, chase cats, beat up my brother - I was emotional & quite angry from the start.

As I saw it, everything was a wave into the next day, the next night, continuing until everything had added up. You grow up & society or an innate factor within encourages you to keep moving & going & though I've always been thoughtful, overthinking, sensitive, it didn't help me process my experiences, to let them rest in the moments they possessed. I've come to see that that's how I had been living for a long while; going through everything but never feeling a sense of relief, release. I worked on it a little in Boulder, but only after I felt it was threatening other avenues of my life, not because it was actually a thing I could conceive was necessary to fix in order to Live. This would have been a miracle feat to accomplish. I'm proud of the foundation I set up there, however, because I was able to, just the slightest, leave one job, turn off, leave another, turn off, to the point where I could try to be a functional person by the end of the day. Given, all of it had added up too greatly to really recover, I'm proud that I witnessed a fault of my own, not a fault let's say, but a pattern to break, and I was strong enough to begin the process of personal change.

I'm not sure why I've grown this way, why it's easy for me to overwork myself, not set boundaries, stay in situations as long as I do. It's mostly that I'm dedicated, responsible, faithful, etc. These are positives. You can count on my word. You can trust me as a friend, a lover, as family, as a worker. The irony - everyone's potential irony - is that if I become too caught up in the abundance of one, which is most always work, I sacrifice communication, friendship, and relationships. So it's all a balance right? It's about finding work that can offer growth, that doesn't seep negatively or deeply into the lines of love & family. This summer I aimed for the opposite of how I'd been living, to recharge from the incredible debt I accrued.

Starting a few years ago I fell upon a terrible depression, one that was high functioning, not always hard, but surely ever there. Then, when my relationship ended, it was as if I could no longer imagine overcoming the dark. I believe my depression began as a result of being mid-20, not knowing exactly what I wanted to do for a career, not sure what college was a result of, etc. It's that existential period of time when you come to head with who you are. I was depressed, but I knew I'd get through it, without need of help or medication, because I had full faith that I'd find what I was meant for - I just really wanted it to happen a lot sooner than it was. I was greatly impatient & carried this impatience around with me everywhere. I'd say this started post college, when I didn't have the cadence of a schedule, going from school to practice to races to work as I did. I knew I wanted away from Bellingham, from my home, my family. I wanted a new & excitable lifestyle with the love of my life. I was sure of this, but once in Boulder, I didn't have a schedule to quell the fear of the future. I wish I could have enjoyed this period of time, but I felt pressure to take care of myself, from myself, and likely, in this began the period of impatience. Wouldn't it be perfect to enjoy new changes & not fear or feel pressure to start right off as the person you'll end up being? I wish I could have enjoyed myself a little more, worry less, feel empowered by the lack of choices -- or -- the myriad of.

In Boulder I couldn't find work, then found 3 jobs at once, which I fit into this incredible schedule, working in the end almost 12 hours a day 5-6 days a week. I'd find myself on Sundays extremely eager to act, do, live, go on an adventure, etc. but felt again, a pressure, to recuperate from the buildup of work from the week, and just really needed someone to tell me what to do on that one day off, so I could unwind without choices - though I know this wouldn't have worked, I'd moan about whatever it would be. The choice to act and thus constantly move was stressful. The choice to lay low and have a lazy Sunday seemed wasteful but necessary which was stressful. I'm not sure if anyone has been as wrapped up in a lifestyle like this, but now that I am out from amongst "the trees," I see that all I really needed was to recharge - the law of attraction: when you're down you notice all that's bad, and when you're up, it's fleeting.

My relationship ended. I felt sorry for myself for new reasons, and at the same time angry that at my lowest, I found that a person I had invested many years with, couldn't handle it anymore. I believe myself to be such an incredible person, that I could maintain years of depression, with full faith that I'd come out of it, faith in the future, and that I ascertained through this darkness, that it was my own issue, my own problem to tackle & no one else's.

I've thought a lot about how it was my impatience, my intense desire to live up to the successful person I imagined myself to become, and to bring to my partnership an equal share, that were causes for the big D. But there was one thing I didn't want to come to terms with, and perhaps this was, in all actuality, the one constant subconscious ache, perhaps the key. In my relationship, we had broken up a year or so in. I convinced myself that we weren't truly, for a number of reasons. Though my heart hurt over feeling postponed, I knew what I wanted & how I felt, so I continued living as I wanted: as a part of this person's life. But there was a door there always left slightly ajar. There was a point along the way where I understood that I wasn't a part of a truly committed relationship. I tried to put at bay the fact that I felt threatened. I believe I was unhappy because I always felt like it was the last argument before he'd give up, the last cry before he'd give up, the last talk about my future before he'd give up. I never felt relaxed. I felt like I had to be completely happy in order to be committed to. It's really sad. It's really sad that at the end of our relationship, the reasons were because of happiness, because of fish in the sea, to protect an unwritten future. There's the pressure & depression; you can be too much for someone, your unhappiness can become theirs. I feel sorry for the depression, but I really think it was Life's test - what does it take for you to give up? It takes a whole lot for me to.
Ok, so what would it have taken to feel secure? I don't think it's a ring, a marriage, a word. I think it's a feeling. I see myself intuitive, and I felt a detachment, so it's about making your partner feel good, cared after, committed to. Ironically enough, Time does not always prove commitment. Or, maybe, one day it's a door that just closes & both of you see it & after all it did become Time's way. It makes sense to me that I became jealous, because I was insecure, because I always felt on the verge of loss.

I couldn't see how anyone would ever choose to not be a part of my life. Despite depression, I find myself awesome - I can move 3 times a year without complaint; I will tell you when it's me, my period, my mood, my problem, so that you'll know it's never, personally, you. For the many reasons I loved myself, I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself because the person I was in love with didn't want me. I felt stupid for trusting wholeheartedly in a future I never confessed to love thinking about. There came a time when I knew I should try to find help to heal. It was clear I was so low that I could no longer help myself.

I found a doctor, a really soft-spoken, socks-with-sandals, encourager-of-world-travel kind of guy, who helped decipher an antidepressant plan, and I began to see a therapist weekly. The men in my life didn't like the idea of my going to therapy/taking antidepressants, but thankfully I'm my own person & have hopefully enlightened them to other avenues of self-betterment. I assume they didn't want me to lose myself (a common fear).
I've been on antidepressants since May, and though it did feel better in the beginning, it has revealed itself as such a subtle almost insignificant aid towards my feelings of loss and emotion, that I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. If I am less emotional than I could be, I am thankful, but still I am. I am the child in the photographs who's first reaction is to react.

It's hard to let go. It's funny - I tell myself I can let go whenever I want to. I don't have to make anyone else's life easier, or because it's the stronger thing to do. I tell myself, "Girl, you continue to hurt as long as you want to, as long as you know you've got a future full of love waiting, you hurt away bitch!" I've tried to get over moments & memories faster than is healthy & it left me on my ass, so I'm indulging in whatever this interior makeup within me wants do. Enduring a breakup is like enduring death, though, and this is ridiculous sounding - I believe worse. I feel so emotional saying this, but I really feel that it's worse to know that someone you love has chosen to not have you as a part of their life, and that they continue to exist in the world without you, whereas in death there is no choice & the loss is equal & shared between all those that have ever loved. You have to relearn what life is like without a person in it. You have to practice sleeping alone, forget about the feeling of putting a chin to a shoulder, the kiss goodbye in the morning before work, the running, the history; perhaps what is so painful in a longevous relationship, is forgetting the attachments associated to cities, tv series, landscapes, firsts, restaurants, all of which are memories which resonate as ghosts on objects in forwardliving & the everyday. Eventually, I believe, your memories make more room for the happy than the sad, and based on conversations with people who have truly Lived, I have no reason to doubt.

Turning 26 was cool. I no longer have health insurance & I live at home with my mom.
I have accepted these things. I even feel at ease with my future. I thought I'd feel restless, seeing as I don't feel like being in a relationship again, I wondered when the idea of wasting time "finding someone" or "having babies," would get to me. Then one day I mentioned in passing to my mother that I feel it in me that grandchildren from me aren't in her future, and then feeling worse for her than me, I said, "If it comes to be you really want to share that experience with me, I'll adopt...you think by then you can just get babies off Craigslist?" She laughed. It was lighthearted. My heart is on the mend, it's all I needed: a little laughter & ease on the serious topics. Take ourselves a little less seriously. Have those serious conversations without fear of/threat of loss. Feel committed to, committed with. Excited about a future neither nor any of us could ever know.

I own it! I'm owning it! I'm awesome! Confused about how to figure out how to trust people, but I survived the hardest thing I've ever been through. I wrote this in case any one else ever hurts. I know there's a big difference between being told, "You're not alone," and actually feeling it, so I'm here to say, even when you feel you are alone, you are powerful & will be better for the hardships than you will ever be for the pressure to maintain the lull/temporary interval of happy.