eve

I slept in late, drove to Kulshan Brewery to meet A for a run, then for a post run pitcher of Kitten Mittens. We ran with her pup, Mags, who dove into ditches, mucking up the fur of her legs. Iced cupcakes with mother, sipped prosecco with family, played games, ate barbecue ribs, potatoes, salad, oven-warmed rolls. I haven't been home-home in years. Last, I did a 1-2 day drop in, squeezing in family between bus rides and work. I haven't been a nice enough daughter this holiday. Likely, a friend as well, though I'm not putting the pressure on myself to deal with the two at once. I've needed a lot lately, but instead of asking for help (what does that look like?), I've tried to handle it on my own. I assume I didn't factor in the complete difference in celebrating a holiday with someone you care about & consider family for the last several years as a major factor in the joy that comes with the holidays. Being on my own now, there isn't that person you get to step outside the stress of the holiday with, the one you can sneak upstairs when the loud hum of family becomes too much. There is no substitute for this loss. My mother has done her best to shake me of this sadness, the kind that has me sleepless, sleeping in late, crying in the car, by covering me in more hugs than I can handle. Actually, a lot of people have been hugging me. This is why I've been a poor daughter. I've allowed my sadness to cloak me like a coat in a warm room. It cannot but make those around either feel like, "Honey, please take that coat off," or, sorry for the way I'm uncomfortably unfamiliar with how to take it off myself. I do not feel sorry for my loss alone, I feel sorry for his. I feel sorry for not being stronger, for not having the bubble around me that everyone suggests I employ. I miss my family in Colorado greatly. I opened a gift early from LVW, a ceramic mug similar to those that inhabit her cupboards. It was the only joy I could find, to feel a piece of a my life from there, to feel her with me here. On Christmas day I'll work on being better, for hurting less. A group of us will meet for a 25k; it will get my adrenaline going, my serotonin on the up, my metabolism jiving. I hope that all of my family & friends will cherish the love in their lives; it is what life is all about.