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I really believe in the power of a good break from reality. Reality isn't the best word, every moment is my own, but to find yourself, suddenly amidst great change seems like a shift from one reality to another, or one reality to non. I'm creating a different reality right this minute & it seems the only bridge between the two are these ever moving ribs in me, which constantly ache & have ached since Boulder. The way I visualize it is that there's a nugget back there under my shoulder blade like unresolved guilt calcified, but more like deep pain carmelized, every once in a while subdued (melted), but most often crystalline.
Back to reality or the non - For so long I couldn't think about the future. I'd try to picture something: a partner, a house, a career, a child, etc. and could conceptualize no romantic, realistic even idealistic notion/s. I tried to ignore this, but really, it consumed me. I was confused where the wall came from. I'm still not sure. I've always been a creative-oriented person, and I couldn't drop the fact that I stalled in dream-creation. I also believe that when you put too much pressure (the bad kind) on yourself to fix something, you'll likely implode. I always felt great pressure to attack the dreamlessness. I'm not sure how it happened like this, perhaps because in order to resolve a problem, you can't always look at it linearly; it was that I needed to approach it from a different end - but finding myself suddenly alone, with no job, moving back in with my parents and, mindyou, the stress of trying to see my future (not of accuracy, but of substance), I did not expect to find myself, finally, after all these months, clearheaded. The 6-mo-ago me was very damaged, but isitsafetosayIhadtobe? in order to be here? This is where I get grumpy - I would never want anyone to feel what I've felt, over the summer. I believe (this is the future I'm seeing!), if I ever see someone anywhere close to as broken as I was/am, I will do anything I can to help them feel alive. Grumpy, though thankful, that it takes so much so close to the edge to finally find yourself clearheaded.

On my run today I thought to myself: I'm going to save up enough to move into my own place, not any kind of one, one I might own - a one room cabin or an apartment in a small town - and I'm going to get the ugliest cat in the world that feels so good to sleep with & is not an asshole & I'm going to do home projects & settle myself alone for a long while. The dream may be small, but I never asked for anything big. I just wanted to feel safe.